Getting Healthy

So, this seems like an oxymoron to me due to the fact I've never been "a picture of health".  That being said, however, I've decided over the last few months to work on being healthier.  I found out in October I have diabetes and my doctor encouraged me to lose the belly!  Holy crap, this belly is my food baby and i've been working on it for years.  Anyway, fast forward a few months (and some nagging from a couple of people :P) and i'm down about 20-25 lbs. Yea!

Now it is the beginning of a brand new year and I realize i've reached the point where I need to make some lifestyle changes to continue on this journey.  Now, i've never really cared much what number the scale says but I do enjoy feeling healthy.  I remember there was a time about 18 years ago when I was in relatively good physical shape and it was great!  Fast forward 18 years and i'm approaching 40...damn that's old.

I'm sitting here in my bathrobe after eatting lunch and I realized I like food.  I think most of my food problems come from being lazy and lack of portion control.  I like to eat most anything although I do require meat as a staple.  Fruits, veggies and meats are all good to eat, I just need help with the preparation and portions. 

The biggest lifestyle change for me is going to be getting up and getting moving.  Yes, exercise!  I'm lazy, not weak.  The lazy in me wants to come home from work and sit here at the computer for a few hours before going to sleep.  The lazy in me wants to stay in bed in the am until the last possible minute that I have to jump up and head out the door for work.  The lazy in me stays in my pjs on my days off until I have to get dressed to leave the house for some reason.  Up to this point in my life I've always said I lack the motivation, I need someone to help push me into exercising.  Now I'm telling the truth, i'm LAZY!!

Lonely? Possibly, who would know?

Ok.  So I think i'm lonely.  Or possibly bored, or both.  I've never been the life of the party or had a ton of friends to hang out with, so why am I feeling this way lately?  It could be depression and this time of the year; not seeing the sun always sucks.  It could be that I realize I have spent half my life and don't have a lot to show for it.  I could have done more, been more, but I wasted it.  When I was young I wanted to know things, see the world and I marvelled at no matter how much I learned, I knew so little.  Now, I spend my days at work...hours at home are wasted on the computer or watching tv...I feel like I want to cry, feel like I need to cry.  I'm not supposed to cry, I try to hide it when it does start to seep out.  I suppose the crying would be a form of self-pity.  I don't deserve to cry, my life has been stable, no real trauma here.  I suppose the self-pity comes from not feeling like I have made a difference, the knowing that I should have done more while I was here.

My oldest boy is 15, not much younger than some of the kids who work for me.  I don't feel he and I know each other at all, my relationship with him is as uncertain as with my own dad.  My dad and I didn't have much of a relationship growing up, he is a hands on person while i've always been more of a bookworm (pseudo-intellectual, i suppose).  I tried to foster a relationship with him after I became an adult around the one thing I knew he enjoyed...cars.  He and I would go out and spend a couple of hours looking at cars on car lots, not really talking about much important but spending time together nonetheless.  We haven't done that since my brother passed away, I think perhaps my dad died at the same time.  Both my parents, actually.  They still carry on, going through the motions, day in and out.  I wish I knew how to help them, how to help myself and my son.  I don't know how to be "good dad".  I don't know how to have a lasting relationship with another person.  I think its a deficit in me, I'm friendly with everyone, but no close friendships.  More self-pity, blah.