Sunday, January 9, 2011

Lonely? Possibly, who would know?

Ok.  So I think i'm lonely.  Or possibly bored, or both.  I've never been the life of the party or had a ton of friends to hang out with, so why am I feeling this way lately?  It could be depression and this time of the year; not seeing the sun always sucks.  It could be that I realize I have spent half my life and don't have a lot to show for it.  I could have done more, been more, but I wasted it.  When I was young I wanted to know things, see the world and I marvelled at no matter how much I learned, I knew so little.  Now, I spend my days at work...hours at home are wasted on the computer or watching tv...I feel like I want to cry, feel like I need to cry.  I'm not supposed to cry, I try to hide it when it does start to seep out.  I suppose the crying would be a form of self-pity.  I don't deserve to cry, my life has been stable, no real trauma here.  I suppose the self-pity comes from not feeling like I have made a difference, the knowing that I should have done more while I was here.

My oldest boy is 15, not much younger than some of the kids who work for me.  I don't feel he and I know each other at all, my relationship with him is as uncertain as with my own dad.  My dad and I didn't have much of a relationship growing up, he is a hands on person while i've always been more of a bookworm (pseudo-intellectual, i suppose).  I tried to foster a relationship with him after I became an adult around the one thing I knew he enjoyed...cars.  He and I would go out and spend a couple of hours looking at cars on car lots, not really talking about much important but spending time together nonetheless.  We haven't done that since my brother passed away, I think perhaps my dad died at the same time.  Both my parents, actually.  They still carry on, going through the motions, day in and out.  I wish I knew how to help them, how to help myself and my son.  I don't know how to be "good dad".  I don't know how to have a lasting relationship with another person.  I think its a deficit in me, I'm friendly with everyone, but no close friendships.  More self-pity, blah.

1 comment:

  1. I love you hunny!! your a wonderful father and I love you.

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