Ok. So I think i'm lonely. Or possibly bored, or both. I've never been the life of the party or had a ton of friends to hang out with, so why am I feeling this way lately? It could be depression and this time of the year; not seeing the sun always sucks. It could be that I realize I have spent half my life and don't have a lot to show for it. I could have done more, been more, but I wasted it. When I was young I wanted to know things, see the world and I marvelled at no matter how much I learned, I knew so little. Now, I spend my days at work...hours at home are wasted on the computer or watching tv...I feel like I want to cry, feel like I need to cry. I'm not supposed to cry, I try to hide it when it does start to seep out. I suppose the crying would be a form of self-pity. I don't deserve to cry, my life has been stable, no real trauma here. I suppose the self-pity comes from not feeling like I have made a difference, the knowing that I should have done more while I was here.
My oldest boy is 15, not much younger than some of the kids who work for me. I don't feel he and I know each other at all, my relationship with him is as uncertain as with my own dad. My dad and I didn't have much of a relationship growing up, he is a hands on person while i've always been more of a bookworm (pseudo-intellectual, i suppose). I tried to foster a relationship with him after I became an adult around the one thing I knew he enjoyed...cars. He and I would go out and spend a couple of hours looking at cars on car lots, not really talking about much important but spending time together nonetheless. We haven't done that since my brother passed away, I think perhaps my dad died at the same time. Both my parents, actually. They still carry on, going through the motions, day in and out. I wish I knew how to help them, how to help myself and my son. I don't know how to be "good dad". I don't know how to have a lasting relationship with another person. I think its a deficit in me, I'm friendly with everyone, but no close friendships. More self-pity, blah.